Some Dark And Shitty Days

There are many days where I really don’t give a shit about anything, including myself.  I could give a fuck less about being compassionate and friendly towards the world.  In fact, I don’t even feel like getting the hell out of bed.

But I don’t say this for you to feel sorry for me.  I say this because, I have learned from years of studying psychology and being diagnosed with general anxiety disorder and bi-polar disorder, that these are states of minds I have to manage.

Even though they suck, and even though I know there are days I just can’t stand it anymore, I have also come to accept them sometimes, and realize that it’s not always my fault I feel this way.

In fact, the whole characteristic of the disorder makes me feel this way.  But I am not ready to give up hope just yet.  I mean I have been there, and felt like many times on giving up hope.  It’s just this time I hope I can understand what is really going on, and not give it so much credit all the time.

There is a deeper underlying factor when it comes to depression, and a lot of times, it really is hard to see past our perceptions.  There are a lot of factors that contribute to depression.  Some that a lot of people are not aware of.

Suicide is often used a problem-solving solution to something that we think we cannot change.  I have thought of suicide many times, and I realize looking back, that even though the problems seemed severe, I somehow figured out the problem.  Even if it took me a very long time.  Sometimes the way I solved that problem was walking away from it.

So while my depression never really goes away, it does give me some insight the more I learn about it.  The more I learn about it, the more I realize what it going on.  Although it sucks ass to go through it over and over and over, sometimes I have to just remind myself that it’s just a mental condition, and that there are good things in life, even though it feels shitty more times than not.

I can’t say this is a great solution, and it works all the time, but there scientists and psychologists trying to work on the problem, and I am always fascinated with what they come up with.

I have to accept that I have years, upon years of really shitty programming, and I have to unlearn what I have learned.  This takes time.

But while I have time, I try to learn everything I can about it, and the more I learn, the more I can do.  And when I feel shitty and tired, I have to be okay with it to some extent.  I hate it as much as other people, but sometimes I have to say “fuck it, it is what it is.”

Every once in a while, I will still take the time to listen to some peaceful music, or relax. Remind myself that I have to reprogram my mind, and not to be afraid of these episodes.

I would say learn as much as you can about your illness, and don’t be afraid to get help.