There are many days where I really don’t give a shit about anything, including myself. I could give a fuck less about being compassionate and friendly towards the world. In fact, I don’t even feel like getting the hell out of bed.
But I don’t say this for you to feel sorry for me. I say this because, I have learned from years of studying psychology and being diagnosed with general anxiety disorder and bi-polar disorder, that these are states of minds I have to manage.
Even though they suck, and even though I know there are days I just can’t stand it anymore, I have also come to accept them sometimes, and realize that it’s not always my fault I feel this way.
In fact, the whole characteristic of the disorder makes me feel this way. But I am not ready to give up hope just yet. I mean I have been there, and felt like many times on giving up hope. It’s just this time I hope I can understand what is really going on, and not give it so much credit all the time.
There is a deeper underlying factor when it comes to depression, and a lot of times, it really is hard to see past our perceptions. There are a lot of factors that contribute to depression. Some that a lot of people are not aware of.
Suicide is often used a problem-solving solution to something that we think we cannot change. I have thought of suicide many times, and I realize looking back, that even though the problems seemed severe, I somehow figured out the problem. Even if it took me a very long time. Sometimes the way I solved that problem was walking away from it.
So while my depression never really goes away, it does give me some insight the more I learn about it. The more I learn about it, the more I realize what it going on. Although it sucks ass to go through it over and over and over, sometimes I have to just remind myself that it’s just a mental condition, and that there are good things in life, even though it feels shitty more times than not.
I can’t say this is a great solution, and it works all the time, but there scientists and psychologists trying to work on the problem, and I am always fascinated with what they come up with.
I have to accept that I have years, upon years of really shitty programming, and I have to unlearn what I have learned. This takes time.
But while I have time, I try to learn everything I can about it, and the more I learn, the more I can do. And when I feel shitty and tired, I have to be okay with it to some extent. I hate it as much as other people, but sometimes I have to say “fuck it, it is what it is.”
Every once in a while, I will still take the time to listen to some peaceful music, or relax. Remind myself that I have to reprogram my mind, and not to be afraid of these episodes.
I would say learn as much as you can about your illness, and don’t be afraid to get help.